Biases against singles in society
ANN/THE STAR – Although singles are often seen as having more freedom and independence, they also encounter biases, discrimination, and social stigma.
Malaysians, both single and married, were interviewed to explore their perspectives on singlism, characterised by the unfair treatment of unmarried individuals.
Myra M, 27, post-graduate university student
Some people think that being single means being lonely or incomplete. But as a single – and many of my other single friends will agree – we lead very full and complete lives. We have the freedom to pursue our dreams, do what we want, go where we want. We aren’t sitting around at home, feeling lonely with nothing to do or nobody to talk to. Our social calendars are very full and happening!
Geetha N, 35, lawyer
I think it’s Asian society in general that is traditionally very family-and-couple focused which results in biases against singles. As a single, we’re stereotyped and discriminated, even though these biases may not be as obvious as in the case of other “marginalised groups”. It’s important for society to realise that for a country to progress, we need to encourage inclusivity and respect people’s diverse lifestyles.
Ravinder S, 45, manager
There are companies with policies that favour or benefit employees with families. They assume that such employees will be more stable and responsible, and less likely to job hop.
This may be unintentional and could put singles at a disadvantage. For example, for certain managerial positions, they may prefer an employee not just of a certain age and gender but also status (eg married and has kids).
James, 38, consultant
Singles might face certain issues such as housing because some landlords prefer to rent to families or couples. They think the latter are more stable and responsible, and will keep the place clean, and that they won’t invite the opposite sex over, have wild parties, or destroy the premises.
Sally K, 50, administrative manager
Hiring a maid or domestic help may be difficult for singles. Some agencies are unwilling to let singles (or those living alone) hire maids from them for various reasons. They believe that individuals with families will be more responsible and trustworthy.
Lee, 31, IT manager
In my previous company, I was often told, ‘You’re single so you don’t have to rush home to your husband and children. Someone needs to stay back and get this work done urgently so you’re the best person for the job’, and, ‘Can you go outstation to meet this client? I know it’s a public holiday but you don’t have a husband or children to attend to so you can do it, right?’ Worse is that is was not just the bosses who requested it – my married colleagues also expected me to cover for them regularly! At that time, I didn’t realise this was discrimination or that such a thing as ‘singlism’ existed. A single person’s time is also valuable and our days off matter as much as those who have families, so it should be reciprocal – I cover for you, you cover for me – and not one-sided.
Margaret, 60, retiree
Among my group of friends – which consists of both married couples and singles – we take turns to organise informal gatherings and day trips. The singles are always expected to pay for one pax (eg MYR100 per single), while the marrieds usually pay a lower rate for their spouse (eg MYR150 per couple). I understand if kids are half price but why should two working adults have a special rate just because they’re married? If I attend with a friend, we don’t get that special rate even though it’s two of us! I think it’s unfair because, whether single or married, aren’t they eating the same amount of food at the restaurant – sometimes more! – or having the same sightseeing activities? Why do the singles have to fork out more to “subsidise” or “cover” for the costs for married people?
Mohd M, 70, businessman
Whether single or married, one isn’t better than the other. It’s a matter of personal choice and sometimes, circumstances. So, people shouldn’t judge or be prejudiced against a person just because of their marital status. Just because a person is single today, doesn’t mean they’ll be single in the future: they may meet somebody, fall in love and get married.
And just because someone is married, it doesn’t mean they’ll still be married in the future – unfortunately, nowadays divorce is also quite common.
Ryan, 40, physician
It isn’t accurate to say that singles have fewer responsibilities. That may be true for some singles, but for others, it’s quite the opposite. Some singles are expected to be the primary caregiver for their aged parents or differently-abled sibling. We may not mind doing that, but as a result, we’ll have less time to meet people, go dating or have a relationship. And even if we do eventually have a relationship, our future spouse may not be keen to take on the additional responsibility of caregiving for our family members too.
Aminah, 50, cafe owner
Some singles are divorcees or widows/widowers, and they may have kids. They have the responsibility to care for their kids, and unlike married couples, they have to do it single-handedly. We can’t assume that single people have fewer responsibilities. – Ming Teoh
Tactics for dealing with single shaming
ANN/THE STAR – Despite the clear benefits of being single, such as independence and the freedom to pursue personal interests, individuals without a partner are often unfairly viewed as failures in a society that prioritises couples.
Furthermore, some individuals feel entitled to express unsolicited opinions about your relationship status. So, how do you respond when faced with “single shaming” or made to feel inadequate simply because you’re not in a relationship?
Malaysians from all walks of life were asked to share some of their personal methods to respond to being shamed or questioned about their relationship status.
1. CHANGE THE SUBJECT
“If someone harps on your single status, stay positive and don’t become defensive or add more negativity to the conversation. Instead, change the subject to something that makes your life great, such as your recent promotion or your recent overseas holiday,” said Latifah L, 39, a public relations manager.
2. EXPLAIN YOUR VIEWPOINT
“While you don’t need to defend or make excuses for your choices, you can calmly explain your viewpoint. Don’t overgrind the subject and go into the nitty-gritty details, but a simple and direct statement of how you feel and what you think will suffice. A good example is a post contributed by Jennifer Aniston in Huffington Post (2016) where she said, “We are complete with or without a mate… we get to determine our own ‘happily ever after’ for ourselves”,” said Nur Myra M, 27, a post-graduate student.
3. TELL THEM THE TRUTH
“People may not understand what you’ve gone through, and sometimes, it’s necessary to explain, without going into too many details, how your past relationships have hurt you and you need time to heal because it’s important for your mental and emotional health,” said Sam Lee, 31 who is an IT manager.
4. RETURN THE FAVOUR
Retiree Margaret Tan, 60, has her own way of dealing with those who are being “too busybody” about the business of others.
“If they make a thoughtless remark or ask you nosy questions about your single status, return the favour by making them feel embarassed with an awkward statement or an intrusive question. For example, if they gush about why you must find someone and settle down, ask them if marriage is so good, then why did they get divorced. I know it seems harsh, but people often don’t realise how thoughtless their comments or questions can be until you treat them the same way. Sad but true,” she said.
5. CURB ENVY AND JEALOUSY
“It’s not only singles who are envious of their happily married friends. Some coupled individuals may be envious of singles and all the things they get to enjoy and the freedom they have. Call them out and confront them directly if you suspect so,” said Aminah Hamzah, 50, a cafe owner.
6. TURN IT INTO A JOKE
J Tan, 38, feels that it is alright to be to be snarky if people are being mean or trying to put someone else in a spot.
“Instead of getting angry, a sarcastic comeback to someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart usually works. For example, if people ask you if something is wrong with you because you’re still single at your age, tell them it’s because you’re so good that no one can catch you,” said Tan, who works as a consultant. – Ming Teoh
