ANN/THE STAR – As long as there are multiple children in a family, some level of sibling rivalry is inevitable. But what causes siblings to engage in conflict with each other?
According to senior counsellor Dr Nordinah Mohd Kassim, sibling rivalry is a prevalent phenomenon stemming from feelings of annoyance, jealousy, envy, and competitiveness inherent in human nature.
She likens it to the competition encountered in various life domains like school or work.
“Sibling rivalry can manifest within any family unit regardless of age gap or gender, and its intensity isn’t necessarily dictated by these distinctions,” she explained.
However, Nordinah said the birth order of the children in a family may play a role in shaping sibling rivalry. Each position can significantly impact a person’s character and behaviour.
“According to psychology’s birth order theory, the eldest child is often perceived as achievement-oriented, while the second child may tend to imitate his or her older sibling.
This happens frequently, especially when it comes to education,” she continued.
Boey Lai Kuan, 46, a mother of four from Selangor agreed: “My two eldest children constantly compete and compare with each other in their studies.”
Not only do Eleanor Jo-Ern Jeevaraj, 16, and Ethan Jay-Ern Jeevaraj, 14, measure themselves against each other in their academic pursuit, they also engage in conflicts over household chores and material possessions.
“When they look for support, each of them tends to team up with their fraternal twin siblings to initiate what looks like a battle of the genders,” said the teacher trainer at a private college.
Talent acquisition specialist from Kuala Lumpur, Vonesa Karen Alcontara, 36, remembered what it was like to be compared to her sister, Piliciaa, 37. “I was never considered the smart one in school, unlike my sister. I also had a reputation for being notorious while she was seen as the angelic one. My teachers would constantly draw comparison between us and advised me to ‘be more like her’,” she recalled.
Piliciaa, the eldest of the Alcontara daughters, offers her perspective: “But I remember those days, I had always wanted to be better than her.”
Now that she has children of her own, Piliciaa, who is a teacher, observed a similar dynamic between her two daughters, Divina Grace Christie, eight, and Petra Love Christie, four.
“This is more obvious when my eldest doesn’t get what she wants or feels she doesn’t receive equal attention as her sister,” she added.
IMPACT OF SIBLING DYNAMICS
Piliciaa encourages healthy competition and friendly banter among her children as she believes this fosters growth.
“While they may bicker over trivial matters, my younger daughter always seeks comfort in her sister when she is upset. Likewise, Divina looks out for her younger siblings,” she explained.
“At the end of the day,” Piliciaa said, “this is the family that we return to, and they’re the ones who will support us no matter what happens.”
Vonesa added: “We still have our mother comparing our achievements once in a while, but thankfully, we have grown to learn and appreciate each other’s differences and have become closer after completing our education.”
Nordinah, who is attached to the International Islamic University Malaysia’s (IIUM) Counselling and Career Service Centre admitted that sibling rivalry can impact children’s personalities and their relationships with others, both within and outside of the home.
“However, if it is managed effectively, it can actually be beneficial for them.”
For children coming from an encouraging and supportive family, she explained, sibling rivalry can enhance their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities, while strengthening the bond between siblings.
Boey agreed: “I believe how the tiffs affect children depends on how parents manage the situations or outcomes.”
“If a child doesn’t feel accepted, valued and loved at home, it impacts his or her self-esteem and confidence. The child might internalise negativity and judgements, believing them to be true. This affects emotional development and relationships,” said Boey.
In the long run, Nordinah explained that children who lack trust and connection within their family may find that their rivalry with siblings negatively impacts their relationships with the broader community. “How the family interacts with each other will affect how the children carry themselves and how they behave outside,” she said.
DEALING WITH SIBLING RIVALRY
Sibling rivalry is inevitable, particularly in families with multiple children, Nordinah said.
She added that it’s important to create a family dynamic that balances individualism and collectivism, as suggested by Murray Bowen’s multi-generational theory.
“In this context,” she explained, “the key word is nurture. How parents nurture their kids plays an important role in addressing children’s rivalry.” “Communication is important too,” added Piliciaa. “It is important to teach children to communicate their feelings, instead of simply reacting to the issues at hand.” – Zalina Mohd Som
