From the enchanting foot-popping kiss in “The Princess Diaries” to the idyllic happily-ever-after of “Crash Landing On You,” women often find themselves yearning for such fairy tale moments in their own lives. This article delves into the impact of idealised reel romance on our real-life relationships with partners.
CNA – Have you ever longed for reality to mirror the captivating narratives seen on television?
The phenomenon surrounding South Korean actor Hyun Bin, particularly his role in the drama series “Crash Landing On You,” left my female friends in awe. Even those who were not initially K-drama enthusiasts found themselves smitten.
When news broke confirming the real-life romance between the two leads of “Crash Landing On You,” excitement reached a fever pitch.
Virtually every female friend or acquaintance I knew harboured a secret wish to trade places with South Korean actress Son Ye-jin, envisioning themselves as her, basking in the affection of her real-life counterpart, Captain Ri Jeong-hyeok.
Take my friend Annabelle (pseudonym). Despite her contented marriage and two children, she couldn’t help but express admiration for Hyun Bin’s masculinity and yearn to embody the character of Yoon Se-ri, portrayed by Son Ye-jin in “Crash Landing On You”.
My other friend, Pauline (not her real name), wants a guy who will make her foot pop when they kiss, like in The Princess Diaries. The foot pop is a TV trope to signify how passionately a woman is being kissed – when she subconsciously kicks her leg back.
None of the guys she has kissed have made her react this way, but that hasn’t deterred her from continuing her search.
It’s not all that surprising that women yearn for the reel version of romance in their lives. For many, their first brush with love and romance would likely be through Disney animations like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid, where “happily ever after” was the norm.
I’m guilty of this as well. When I was younger, I wished for the sort of romantic gestures I saw in the movies from my boyfriend – specifically the back hug.
We are now married but it took years of communicating with each other and learning our respective love language to get to the point where he gave me loving back hugs – just like the ones you see in K-dramaland.
The more important question remains: Have these rom-coms, K-dramas and even Disney films ruined how women view love, romance and relationships?
DREAMING OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
Dr Geraldine Tan, director and principal psychologist at The Therapy Room, said that while many women are able to distinguish reality from the virtual, she sees an increasing number of female clients who are steeped in their diet of K-drama and K-pop culture that “they think that real life should be like reel life”.
These women long for the meet-cutes, the intense longing, the tension before that highly anticipated first kiss and those grand over-the-top romantic gestures. But why?
Dr Tan said it’s because TV shows and films often appear so realistic that it can increase a person’s hopes that what they see on screen has a chance of happening in the real world.
“Romance is portrayed as a wonderful fantasy on TV complete with the perfect locations and scenery, weather and music,” said Dr Annabelle Chow, clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology.
What we see on-screen is a “concentrated, condensed view of romance, showing characters who seemingly embody all our desires and fulfil our every fantasy”, she added. “We are bombarded with countless options and desires for what we want in a partner and a relationship.”
This leads to a psychological factor known as the “scarcity principle”, Dr Chow said. Faced with this abundance of wants and desires, we understand that it’s rare for someone to embody all these qualities – and that becomes enticing.
“It’s like going to a buffet and being told that there is one dish that can fulfil all your cravings. That sense of scarcity heightens our desire for it and makes us more susceptible to idealising the romance we see on screen.
“The whole reason such romance is idealised and desired is that we know it is practically impossible for us to find a partner that could be so ‘perfect’,” said Dr Chow.
THE DANGER WHEN LINES GET BLURRED
While daydreaming about the perfect real-life romance doesn’t cause much harm, a fine line separates reality from fantasy.
Dr Tan said she has, at times, had to remind her female patients that the guy of their dreams is not going to appear with an umbrella when it’s raining or that they will meet him at a convenience store.
The psychologist added that it is important to remember that “real-life relationships are made up of a multitude of moments and experiences, sometimes big, but often small”.
Reel relationships, with their heart-wrenching, exciting, passionate and intense moments, are meant to grasp our attention and pull at our heartstrings – the mark of good entertainment.
“While these moments can exist in real life too, they’re not the entirety of a relationship,” said Dr Chow.
Another unrealistic expectation: Believing that the initial passion and intense feelings of the relationship will never fade. As relationships evolve and mature, passion will give way to deeper feelings of love, understanding and companionship, said Dr Chow.
Interestingly, this is exactly what my friend’s mum told her when she was nursing a broken heart in her twenties. “The fireworks will fade. But it’s the warm glow from the embers that will keep you warm when things get tough.”
The same goes for expecting to be swept off one’s feet with over-the-top romantic gestures, such as surprise holidays abroad, expensive gifts or even an all-expenses-paid shopping trip a la Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
And of course, believing that love will conquer all, overcoming all obstacles – unkind stepmothers, childhood trauma and even amnesia. In reality, love is just one component in a relationship, said Dr Tan. “A relationship takes two hands to clap and both parties have to make it work,” she added
The dangers of such unrealistic expectations, said Dr Chow, is that they may lead to dissatisfaction or disappointment when the real-life relationship doesn’t match the reel-life fantasy. Or even worse, result in women questioning the quality of their relationships and placing unnecessary pressure on themselves and their partners.
Unmet expectations can build resentment and distance between a couple if women continue to compare what they see on screen.
“They don’t realise that the guys may not have watched the same shows as them and even if they have, life does not exist in 16 episodes,” said Dr Tan. “If they don’t learn to live their real life and to observe what they have and utilise their strengths in the relationship, the relationship would continue to deteriorate.”
BALANCING THE REEL WITH THE REAL
It’s normal to want to feel special, unique and loved by your partner, said Dr Chow. We want to know that our partners are thinking of us, considering what we like and wanting to do things that make us happy.
“This comes down to knowing that this person truly cares for us and our wellbeing. So even if a romantic gesture fails, we may still feel touched by the fact that they tried,” she added.
Dr Chow advised women to express their needs and desires openly and honestly with their partners. “Cultivating effective communication skills and setting realistic expectations can help create a strong foundation for a healthy and satisfying partnership,” she said.
It helps to adjust one’s expectations and develop a more realistic view of relationships. Stop focusing on what isn’t “good enough”, and recognise and appreciate the genuine love and care that your partner has for you, said Dr Chow.
Ultimately, Dr Tan said that having a relationship where you get to know the other person should be more important than wanting to turn the person into your favourite reel-life character.
