When we picture a man’s midlife crisis, the usual stereotypes of newfound gym routines or impulsive purchases like a shiny sports car often come to mind. But beneath these surface changes lies a deeper, more complex journey—a time of self-reflection, searching for meaning, and grappling with life’s big questions.
Dr Annabelle Chow, founder of Annabelle Psychology, describes a midlife crisis as a period of deep self-reflection, typically occurring from the late thirties to the fifties.
“It’s often driven by a strong desire for change,” she explains, as men begin to reassess their identity, life choices, and the inevitability of ageing.
This phase may bring up feelings of inadequacy, whether from unmet personal goals, career dissatisfaction, or life events like the loss of a loved one.
According to Dr Chow, the intensity of a midlife crisis often reflects how much regret or unfulfillment one feels from earlier years.
Recognising the Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Signs of a midlife crisis can be physical, emotional, and behavioural. On the physical side, it might involve noticeable changes in grooming or shifts in style—anything from renewed gym habits to neglecting self-care.
“Men may swing from ignoring their appearance to becoming hyper-focused on it,” says Dr Chow.
Emotionally, dramatic mood swings can occur, from low moods to sudden outbursts over small things. Some emotions might resemble those found in depression, such as a lingering sadness or loss of interest in hobbies.
However, Dr Chow notes a key difference: “While depression can occur at any age, a midlife crisis is typically linked to this life stage, often accompanied by nostalgia and dwelling on past experiences.”
On the behavioural front, drastic life choices may arise, like abrupt career changes or impulsive decisions about moving. Financial habits can also shift, ranging from sudden extravagance to extreme penny-pinching.
Helping Your Partner Through a Midlife Crisis
For many men, societal expectations around masculinity make it tough to open up emotionally. This is especially true in Asian cultures, where showing vulnerability can feel like a challenge.
Patience, however, is crucial in supporting a partner through this time, according to Aarti Mundae, psychotherapist and clinic director at Incontact Counselling and Training.
Here’s how to navigate this tricky period together:
- Keep Communication Open
Finding the right time for deep conversations can make all the difference. Choose calm moments when you’re both free of distractions, such as a quiet evening after the children are in bed. Dr Chow suggests, “A peaceful walk or a cosy setting at home can make discussions feel safe and inviting.”
When talking, focus on active listening—being there to understand his feelings without passing judgement. Avoid steering the conversation too much, keeping the focus on his thoughts and experiences.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of assuming, try asking broad questions like, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “How are you feeling these days?” This gentle approach encourages dialogue without diving straight into sensitive subjects, creating a relaxed space for him to open up about what’s been troubling him.
You can also bring up observations of recent stressors you’ve noticed. Dr Chow suggests aiming for mutual reflection, showing genuine interest rather than trying to fix everything immediately.
- Let Him Speak Freely
It’s important to give your partner time to express his thoughts without rushing to solutions or criticising his feelings. Allowing him this space can create a safe environment where he feels comfortable sharing his emotions, says Dr Chow.
- Normalise His Feelings
A sense of loss or dissatisfaction is common during a midlife crisis, so reassure him that these feelings are a natural part of questioning life’s direction, Mundae advises. This can help ease any defensiveness and remind him he’s not alone in these experiences.
- Focus on a Balanced Perspective
In your conversations, try to remind your partner of the achievements and progress he’s made over the years. Bringing up specific examples of recognition from work or appreciation from loved ones can help ground him and reduce feelings of inadequacy, suggests Dr Chow.
- Turn Frustration into Motivation
If he’s feeling lost or unfulfilled, ask how he’d like to move forward and offer your support. This can help him regain a sense of purpose without feeling pressured, emphasises Dr Chow, and shows that you’re there to back him up.
A helpful tip: avoid labelling what he’s going through as a “midlife crisis,” which can feel accusatory. Instead, focus on being there as a supportive partner through this time of change.
When You’re Experiencing a Midlife Crisis Too
It’s not uncommon for couples to face midlife challenges at the same time. While men might focus on career dissatisfaction, women often turn their attention to self-care and personal identity.
Mundae stresses the importance of recognising your own emotions during this period as well. Self-awareness helps bring clarity, which in turn aids in supporting each other.
Setting shared goals can also shift the focus away from negative thoughts. Consider starting a new hobby or refreshing a space in your home together—anything that brings a sense of renewal. Celebrating small wins as a couple can strengthen your bond as you both navigate this phase.
Above all, remember that a midlife crisis is a stage, not a destination. With patience, open communication, and mutual understanding, it’s possible to come out stronger together on the other side. – Vanessa Chia
