ANN/THE STAR – Many working mothers experience a phenomenon commonly known as “mum guilt”, a sensation characterised by self-blame or shame resulting from their role as a working mum. They often feel a sense of inadequacy for not dedicating what they consider “adequate” time to their children.
Is mum guilt a genuine emotion? The straightforward answer is yes. However, the more nuanced answer, which delves into the legitimacy of this internal feeling of guilt, is rather intricate.
Traditionally, society has held the expectation that mothers should devote themselves entirely to their children and assume a full-time caregiving role. Yet, our contemporary world no longer adheres strictly to these traditional norms. Some mothers choose to work, partially out of financial necessity and partially because their jobs provide personal fulfillment – a positive aspect in their lives.
Nonetheless, the guilt stemming from “leaving one’s family for work” still lingers. This guilt is frequently exacerbated by the prevailing societal discrimination against working mothers.
It can become an integral part of a mother’s psyche, even without overt external pressures.
The bias against working mothers presupposes that insufficient attention to their children will hinder their future prospects compared to children with stay-at-home mothers.
What does science say about the developmental outcomes of children with working mothers?
According to psychologist Dr Sarah Kopelovich from the University of Washington, there is no strong evidence to show that children with working mothers are worse off than those with stay-at-home mothers. She noted that research evidence points to generally good outcomes instead.
Scientific literature suggests that children of working mothers tend to have better educational outcomes, are more creative and tend to go further in academic pursuits, as well as getting high-paying jobs. The literature also reports that children of working mothers have better mental health, long-term.
So scientifically, there is nothing for mothers to feel guilty about. Now that we have established that the assumption underlying mum guilt is unfounded, let’s look at how mothers can address this.
SOCIETAL BIAS
Firstly, it is important to recognise that guilt is an emotion that is very much connected to values that we have, in relation to society. These values are not necessarily supported by scientific evidence. As such, they could be prejudiced. So it is useful to understand where mum guilt comes from.
The experience of guilt comes largely from social pressure and personal belief, rather than the actual situation of being a working mother. Managing the guilt therefore, comes from reframing our interpretation. The usual understanding of guilt being away from children comes from the belief, “I should not be away from my children”, or “There would be bad consequences to them”.
From psychological research, we know that emotions are functional – even the unpleasant ones. They can help us understand ourselves better. Identifying and naming the emotion is powerful. Naming guilty feelings as ‘guilt’ gives you the opportunity to work on it by thinking: “What is the guilt trying to tell me?” and “What can I do about it?”
One important point to realise is that guilt comes from the motivation to do good and to care for others. If failing is such a great concern, it basically means you’re very much invested in succeeding.
Investing in the successes of doing things right is not a failure, but a want in yourself based on your belief that underlies your efforts as a mother to do the best for your child.
The reason why you feel guilty is because you want the best for your children – and that is a very good thing. So, the next time you feel that you have failed as a mother, think about where that initial motivation to succeed came from – your love for your child.
SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE
It is also important to realise that failing in one aspect of life at a particular time does not make you an abject failure. It is basically the inability to meet your objective when you wanted to. There are many other things you would have done successfully that contributed to your child’s development.
There is only so much resource you have at any one time. Some things have got to give. Even when there is success, achievements on one side of life can also mean failures in other parts of it.
Our priorities in life are never balanced for long, even if we are able to achieve some balance. What’s more important is to keep on progressing by learning from experiences as a mother. And progress happens when you let go of the guilt.
It is easier said than done, of course, but you don’t have to do it alone. There are people you can reach out to. It helps to speak to other mothers about personal struggles because often, you realise that others are also experiencing similar issues.
Having your problems normalised can help lift a huge load of pressure off you. Having social support to help is much better than struggling alone.
Referring to self-help resources and seeking professional help can also provide ideas in addressing guilt. Some companies provide employee assistance programmes (EAP) where staff can access outsourced and confidential psychological counselling services for free.
Such services can be helpful in reducing the perceived social pressure of being a working mother.
SETTING UP BOUNDARIES
What we don’t hear about when we talk about work-life balance is the amount of distress we need to cope with when setting up boundaries. People are bound to get upset and that’s part and parcel of having boundaries. These could be your children, spouse, friends, colleagues or managers.
A fear of saying “no” comes from the fear of disappointing others. This is usually maintained by the irrational belief that it is a catastrophe if others get upset at you, especially your children. Such extreme beliefs can trigger unnecessarily strong reactions that can prevent you from solving a problem.
It is more beneficial to stop catastrophising and look at the reality of consequences of people getting disappointed. You have lived through it before; you still have family, friends and support. There are such things as apologies, forgiveness, making amends and learning to improve.
Disappointments are hardly disastrous. They may be distressing but they are manageable.
Distress from perceived demands and disappointing others is something that needs to be dealt with. Some people will get disappointed and that is okay. Learning to release the guilt by reframing it as part of your effort, and embracing yourself as imperfect is helpful.
Furthermore, you’re not the only factor contributing to your child’s development. There are many other factors, most of which you don’t have any control over. So, even if you’re perfect as a mother, you still have no control of other variables surrounding your children’s welfare. As such, even if there’s any perceived failure on your part, it’s never 100 per cent you.
RELEASING MOTHERS FROM GUILT
Working mothers do not automatically doom their children. Therefore, it’s important to stop discriminating against mothers at the workplace. The responsibility of releasing guilt from working mothers is also on spouses, employers and colleagues.
How do we empower mothers to say “no” as part of setting boundaries and be okay with it?
We know from psychosocial research that organisational support for mothers, especially focusing on their well-being at work can provide mutual benefits for individual mothers and their workplace.
Relationships, mood, organisational climate and productivity improve with a sense of psychological safety and validation of personal difficulties in juggling roles.
Why should such guilt be addressed in the first place? Because it contributes to unnecessary distress in the form of anxiety, regrets, self-depreciation and depressed feelings, and they affect work productivity as well as relationships negatively.
Science encourages the community to think about what can be done within the social system that can provide supportive structures for working mothers. Work-life balance is not solely the prerogative of the individual mother but the community around her.
So yes, mum guilt is real but is doesn’t have to be taken negatively. It takes a village to support a mother. Motherhood is about love, presence and support, not perfection. And as a progressive society, it’s best to do away with the discrimination against working mothers because that guilt they carry, is truly unnecessary. – Dr Alvin Ng Lai Oon
