ANN/THE STAR – One frequently mentioned piece of advice for nurturing strong relationships is the importance of increased communication between partners. However, the question arises: what does this advice truly entail?
When individuals embark on a relationship, its success is uncertain, and a key determinant is the extent to which we respond to our partner’s attempts to connect.
Dr John Gottman, a respected American psychologist specialising in marriage and relationships, has dedicated decades to investigating the factors that contribute to the endurance and prosperity of relationships.
In one 1998 study, Gottman tracked 130 newlyweds over a six-year period and found that those who stayed together turned towards each other 86 per cent of the time, while those who divorced averaged only 33 per cent of the time.
In any relationship, we all make bids for the other’s attention. This can be something small like a smile, or more complex like asking for help or advice. Generally, women make more bids for attention than men, although in healthier relationships both are comfortable bidding for the other’s attention.
When our partner says something like, “Come and look at this outside the window”, in turning toward that bid we might reply, “What’s happening?” while getting up to see. Turning away from the bid, we might say, “Uh huh … in a while, I’m watching the game now”.
At the core of seeking attention is a person’s desire to be heard and seen. Of course, we won’t pick up on every bid and we’ll sometimes be dismissive if we’re in a bad mood or tired, for example.
The idea isn’t that we get it right all the time but that we’re mindful to ensure that turning away from our partner doesn’t become the norm. We commonly refer to this as “taking people for granted”.
On occasion, when I’ve worked with couples in therapy, the assumption of some is that problems arise because of rejections or arguments. While this can be the case, it’s often that one has – or both have – taken the relationship for granted. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hatred. When people argue, it at least shows there’s something to care about.
There’s something to repair and resolve. If indifference sets in over time, it can be difficult to resolve if one or both people have simply switched off.
One of the ways the problem of indifference can be repaired is by working on turning more towards a person’s bids for our attention. Let’s take a look at some examples:
“Do you like this drawing of a bird I made?” This is a request to show interest or excitement.
We could respond by saying, “Yes, I do – the colours are nice, how long did it take you?” This shows interest and might get a conversation started. Compare that with, “Yes, I do – what should we have for dinner?”
“I’m so tired – it’s been a long day.” This is a bid to help the person de-stress. A caring response might be, “Let me make dinner, it sounds like you could do with a break.” A less caring response would be, “I know how you feel… have you done the dishes yet?”
“Let’s cuddle on the sofa while we watch a show.” This is a desire for affection, which can be one of the first casualties when indifference sets in.
While any bid for attention can be important, affection is one of the most powerful ways to show we care, even if it’s just sharing a quick kiss on the forehead before leaving the house.
Responding to bids for attention is what keeps us communicating. The more we respond to and bid for the other’s attention, the healthier our connection. The more we turn away or dismiss bids for attention, the less we communicate in meaningful ways.
There will be times when we miss a bid or we’re not in the mood to cuddle on the sofa or have a chat. In that case, we can simply say, “If you don’t mind, could we do that later? I’m feeling really tired just now and need to rest for a while.”
In this case, we’re still turning towards the bid by acknowledging it and recognising the other person’s needs. It’s when we totally ignore or dismiss their attempt for connection – and when this becomes the norm – that problems arise in relationships.
These problems tend to creep in over time, and we might not notice them until they lead to bigger issues. This is why it’s important to consciously try to make our partners’ bids for attention a priority.
As British psychoanalyst Adam Phillips notes in his book Attention-Seeking (2019), we all seek attention, the question is what kind of attention we’re seeking and why.
If we’re curious about other people – particularly those close to us – we’re better able to answer those questions. Gottman puts it this way: “Bids for connection are the lifeblood of relationships.” The more we turn towards these bids, the greater the likelihood relationships will remain alive and healthy. – Sandy Clarke
