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    How do I connect with my teen son while respecting his independence?

    Meghan Leahy

    THE WASHINGTON POST – I need help staying connected with my 16-year-old son while respecting his need for privacy and greater independence. How do I do this?

    As a parenting coach and a parent of a 16-year-old, I hear you loud and clear. Connecting with your teen can be a daunting task. We parents get many mixed messages.

    Americans are obsessed with independence, and many parents believe that their job is to push their teens out into the world, but this is not the way it should be.

    Our goal as parents is to raise children who are interdependent; young adults who rely both on others and themselves.

    Of course your son has a right to privacy (within reason) and he should trust that you will be transparent with him when it comes to your concerns for his safety and well-being. The fallacy in American parenting is that connection and independence aren’t linked.

    When a child (and teen) is deeply and safely connected to a loving and warm adult, the teen is more likely to be self-governing, exercise judicious freewill and safely take calculated risks.

    Without deep connections to loving adults, the teen may be acting on his own (appearing independent), but he is more likely to take unsafe risks, to be reckless and unafraid, or to be too afraid to take any chances at all. True freedom comes from connection, not despite it.

    All of this is to say: Strengthening your relationship with your son is the surest path toward helping him find his own willpower, self-agency, and courage. So, how do you stay connected?

    STAY REALISTIC

    This means that not every attempt at connection will be easy, but every attempt is worth it.

    Your 16-year-old has his own life, friends and school stuff; it is natural that he will be distracted and may not receive your gestures as the love you mean it to be.

    As much as possible, don’t take it personally.

    MAKE A LIST

    Have your teen either tell you or send you a text with four or five things he wants to do, and tell him to make it imaginative.

    If he dreams of going to the Sahara, great! Have him name the big and small, the more ideas the better. You never know what could happen! Time, money and reality are always in play, but doing what your teen wants will make connect-ing easier.

    THINK ABOUT INCLUDING HIS FRIENDS

    While one-on-one time can be great, it can also mean a lot to a teen when you bring people along for the fun. Food is often a great connector, so having them over to taste-test burgers, pizza or sushi is a fun way to connect with your teen, as well as his friends.

    DO A JOB TOGETHER

    Whether it is something for the community, the school or your neighbors, is there something that you can both participate in that could be fun, give back and end with a little treat? Aside from creat-ing memories, you are doing good for others, and that is a win-win.

    No matter what you do to keep connecting with your teen, keep at it and remember that simply staying present, staying interested (and interesting) and staying brave will matter to him, even if he doesn’t say so. Yes, you may have to play some video games or watch some movies that you wouldn’t pick, but the more open you stay, the more reciprocated it will be. Good luck.

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