| Tavita |
SO, WHO’S top four in the BPL? Chelsea? Man City? Southampton?West Ham? Liverpool?
No way! That lot are just common old players, mate. Merely a front for the real battles, played every day, every week, every month and every year of the decade these days.
Like any top four, there are four of them.
This is a highly agitated team. Most of them are very old. They look incredibly unfit and they play in a variety of uniforms, from well-ironed track suit tops to very expensive evening suits.
They are basically old. Some are very old indeed. Others are far too old. And the rest are getting older by the minute. They line up along the touchline and are brilliant in the time-honoured skill of mouthing off. They are also extremely talented at moaning.
Basically Old Manager (wandering ferociously in direction of somewhere ferocious):
“Offside! Offside! Dive! Dive!”
Very Old Manager (coughing, gasping for breath, and accompanied by anxious physio with oxygen mask handy):
“Onside! Onside! Penalty! Penalty!”
Far Too Old Manager (wandering aimlessly in direction of somewhere aimless):
“Offside! Offside! Foul! Foul!”
Getting Older by the Minute Manager (muttering once, then muttering again):
“Offside! Penalty! Something! Anything!”
Top BPL Selection: Wenger, Allardyce, Redknapp, Warnock
Subs: To be announced by Christmas!
This is also an ageing squad and frequently blind. They are, however, outstanding at puffing and they love watching talented divers. They spend their time jogging all over the field, waving little coloured cards, checking what time it is, adding on some more and looking for their whistles.
They wear funny coloured shirts and don’t like arguing. If anyone looks like arguing with them, they jog off, puffing hard, waving a brightly coloured card, checking what time it is, trying to find their whistle and searching for their contact lenses.
Lately they’ve also taken to carrying a jug of whitewash around and painting white lines all over the place.
Tooting Ref (trying to find his whitewash jug): stand still while I find my contact lenses.
First Linesman (waving frantically): Penalty!
Tooting Ref (spotting something happening): Hang on a bit while I find my brush.
Second Linesman (Ducking coca can launched from back row terraces): Ouch!
Top 4 BPL Selection: Atkinson, Clattenberg, Dean, and Dowd
Subs: The whole lot of them!
This a very hard team to beat. Every member is brilliant at sacking and outstanding at buying.
It is a very secret team. Members are very rarely interviewed since no one knows what language they speak and whether or not they need to hire a Bulgarian translator. Not interviewing them also saves the media a lot of money since Bulgarian translators usually charge extortionate rates.
What little is known about them is also a secret. They might come from anywhere. They might be armed. The well-cleaved companion sitting next to them is definitely armed. They might offer you a poisoned shrimp cocktail to cut the interview short. They might call in your mortgage.
Interviewer (looking for someone else to interview):
Zillionaire owner (smiling at well-cleaved companion and stroking her ak47)
“Ich bygttrommski ur pardonovkovich, mate!”
Interviewer (sticking pencil up nose and pretending notebook is halftime sandwich)
Zillionaire Owner (turning to well-cleaved companion and handing over cheque for 37 zillion pounds)
“Go buy yourself a centre forward, sweetheart!”
Top 4 BPL selection: Alif Group; SQ Sports; Europa Group; Digital Auto Care
And those are only the Bangladesh Premier League selection.
Subs: Don’t ask! Not even in Bulgarian.
This is the biggest team in the League. It contains several thousand members, all of whom are substitutes for anything the others haven’t got …or think they haven’t got. They are expert at football because they once had one from grandpa for Christmas.
Their main aim is to find out what the main aim is and sell it for oodles and oodles of whatever the main aim currently is. The main aims are anything that can be aimed at. They aim to play in percentages. These depend on however main the aim happens to be this week and are measured in oodles.
Agent Unlimited (ringing up nearest main aimer): I’ve got you a great main aimer.
Main Aimer (checking out his substitutes bench): How good is he?
Agent Unlimited (checking calendar): Eighty four million.
Main Aimer (checking points above relagation zone): Why eighty four million?
Agent Unlimited (getting impatient): It’s my girl friend’s birthday!
Top 4 BPL Selection: Jim, Fred, Arnold, and Schlitznikov.
He used to be a manager till he strangled a ref and the owner sacked him!
As usual, a traditional top class top four thriller. Managers vs Refs and Owners vs. Agents.
Or any combination you fancy!