| Tavita |
SAD news. Traditional sports watching seems on its way out. Mysterious forces from Outer Space appear to moving in for the kill.
It started about twenty years ago with the first Martian attack on earthly sport and the launch of the seemingly harmless EPL missile.
It targeted traditional local football teams and infected them with highly mobile foreign robots fuelled by galactic–level salaries.
It then moved on to rugby union and sent in the gigantic IRF tank manned by invading hordes of 20 stone, 8’4” wingers to take over the highly vulnerable game and hand it over to the cosmic authorities.
Next, it focussed on boxing and replaced the outmoded century-old primitive rings with inter- galactic cages. Upwards of 297 new titles were installed ranging from microscopic junior flea weight champs to 400+ stone super enormous monster weight eliminators.
Encouraged by elite terrorists front line agents from Outer Mercury and Saturnian TV networks, they rapidly moved in on cricket.
Enormously powerful front line boobs were recruited to bounce around on the boundary and undercover rock bands were trained to launch the poisonous T20 rocket. Carefully selected and highly secretive bookmakers were hired to ensure that the 3rd ball of the 12th over was a 7-4 on no ball bouncer outside the leg stump.
Finally, they launched a quick attack on F1.
They eliminated all but two cars and set it up as a weekly contest between two sexy celebrities, like the Emmy awards on wheels.
“Well done, chaps,” the Martian High Command congtratulated each other. “Traditionally earthly sports is now virtually dead.”
“The final attack of all can now take place,” they confirmed.
It starts today in Manila! The most far-reaching onslaught ever on basic traditional sport.
The weapons used will be powered by deadliest fuel discovered this side of the Crab Nebula…
Unadulterated fizz… in Coca Cola cans!
The International Premier Tennis League.
The name is carefully chosen.
“The”, of course, is compulsory. “A” might be dangerously interpreted as “any old one” and result in clicks to Animal Planet,
And nothing less than “international” will stop the watcher clicking.
If it’s not “premier”, any watcher will be tempted to let the granddaughter have her ritual half hour with Disney Junior.
And “league” is absolutely essential these days to guarantee the pundits’ have something to natter about next week.
After all, can you imagine anyone stopping the remote on…
Coming up next: “A Local Average Game.”
The projected profitability of ITPL has been carefully researched.
Its projected profitability has not only been carefully researched. It has been researched in India, no less, the home of carefully researched highly projected profitability into games the rest of the world invented and in the UAE, the home of every game the rest of the world can’t afford to host.
This is alleged to be because initial research into the projected profitability of The International Premier Kebabbi League and The International Premier Shopping League projected some basic profitabilty problems.
“Tennis”, however, revealed considerable outdated, prehistoric viewing potential, especially since the outdated traditional tennis season is now over.
Hence a major opportunity emerged for lots of profitably weird teams, straight out of the Martian Dictionary of Projectably Profitable Sporting Names.
“Maveriks”; “Royals”; “Slammers”, “Aces”.
Otherwise known as the “Whoevers” from the “Wherevers” playing “Howevers” with the “Whatevers”.
The Mavericks apparently represent the Philippines. The Royals, the UAE. The Slammers, Singapore. And the Aces are the cream of anywhere else.
The rules of the games appear to have been devised in order to do away with all the boring distractions of the APT and WTA versions.
This seems to place a ban on sets, banana breaks, ads, endless deuces, huge bags hauled on court, individual quirks like abusing the umpires and bouncing he ball 35 times before serving.
It appears to place a premium on non-stop whacking.
The teams include men and women of random ages, eras and nationalites. The racquets are made of highly-strung cheque books and the balls are stuffed with dollar notes.
And, the emphasis appears to be on very good behaviour.
The organisers may have cut down on the rules for players but they’ve set out over two thousand words of rules for sales and ticket holders.
It’s up to you, of course. It could be a historic event, the final major-break through by the Martian High Command in their bid to eliminate sport on Earth as we all grew up with it.
Unfortunately, though, round our way, we won’t have time to watch. We’ve got a Kampong Rimba International Premier League fixture.
Simpang 85 Nuisances versus Next Door Moaners…. in the weekly “Who parked that car in front of our gate?” encounter.
Totally earthbound. Locally sponsored.
Not a Martian in sight!