Rugby Into Orbit
| TAVITA |
SCRUM down 2013! Up and under! Pick and go! The Biggest Weekend of the Year, so far.
There’s rugby all over the sporting globe.
From England, Italy and Scotland…to Australia, New Zealand and South Africa.
From the soothing shores of the Great Pacific to the sweat-soaked fields of the UBD!
Back in 1823, when William Webb Ellis grabbed that ball in his arms in a sixth form kick-about at Rugby School, he would never have imagined that, one hundred and ninety years later, guys on every continent would be copying him.
Nations, clubs and franchises …. simple teams and basic sides.
Plus heaps and heaps of referees and barrow-loads of whistles.
Up there, the 6-Nations re-starts after last week’s break.
Only England appears to be winning. The rest are doing their best to lose…. and doing it very successfully.
After two games, the lads from Twickers have a couple of wins and the others are equal on losses….except for France who are getting outstanding at losing.
As a result, it’s the most boring tournament ever.
The star of the series up to now is the ref of the Wales vs. Ireland game. By my count, he called for twenty seven scrums and twenty four of them ended with him whistling!
The other big feature of the tournament is Rugby’s Next Top Monster Show.
Current estimates put England and Scotland neck and neck. They share an average throat circumference of 53.6 inches.
The rest have gone for highly impressive torsos in the new-look Nike 72XXXL Super-Cup pec-containers.
Tactically, all are working hard on the “boot it as high as you can down the middle and hope the other bloke drops it” strategy.
In this weekend’s line-up, Italy fancy their chances against Wales and Wales are inclined to agree with them.
Ireland, Scotland and France have given up fancying anyone and England, as always, fancy themselves.
Elsewhere in the North, there is a full fixture list for the Aviva Premiership, the Rabodirect Pro12, the Principality Premiership, the Swalec Welsh Divisions One East and West, the Ulster Bank All Ireland League Sections A and B, and the Marks and Spencers North-South Offshore Touch League, Sections O to Q.
Everyone taking in part in these, however, has been eliminated from the Next Top Monster Show. Their torsos are less than impressive and their 42XL Maxi-Cup pec-containers are far too floppy.
Down Under, the Super 15’s start in earnest, today and tomorrow.
The Crusaders have a bye but all the other apocalyptic, cyclonic, revolutionary franchises are out in force….
Stormers and Rebels, Bulls and Sharks, Cheetahs and Reds.
Only the Lions are missing this year. They’ve been drop-kicked back to the Transvaal and the Southern Kings from the Cape have taken their place.
The competition is even more complicated than ever to work out.
That’s why it’s divided into “conferences” which are regularly held when nobody knows who they’re playing next week.
The main attraction, however, remains.
The referees will have their whistles stuffed down their gullets if they damage network ratings with their blasted non-stop tooting.
As for the action, there are four that are absolute rippas or, as the grandkids prefer to twitter me…
“Like, orrrsome, Grandpa!”
The Highlanders versus the Chiefs. The Reds against the Waratahs. The Bulls going head down, horns up, on the Stormers; and topping the bill in Wellington, the Hurricanes preparing to blow away the Blues.
Then, next week, according to my old mate Maki in Christchurch, the real stuff starts…. much the same as it did last year…and the year before that… and all the years before before….
Crusaders all the way, bro’!
Just down the road, in the Middle Hemisphere, Round Two of the local league kicks off.
In last week’s opener, the Sharks went and sharpened their teeth on the Knights.
This makes them top of the table right now and, according to many a Shark I’ve met, they would have been even topper if last week’s ref had his glasses on.
The only rugby ref in the world accused of failing to whistle enough!
This means that the Knights are a bit like France. They’re looking for an opening win somewhere.
This week, they say, they’ve got the Blacks and they’ll turn them into very All Blacks.
A note of warning to watchers, though.
I hear the game’s at UBD, so UB careful, mates! Water bottles by the crate!
There’s nowhere on the planet where you’ll find much hotter rugby.
And talking of hot rugby, back home in the deep Pacific, the women’s season is underway.
And it’s really well worth watching, I hear. Fearsome, ferocious franchises….
Lionesses and Tigresses.
Amazons and Eruptions.