England on the march

|     TAVITA     |

SIX NATIONS rugby is back again. So is an unstoppable rolling maul of Englishness-ness.

After beating the All Blacks late last year, England’s no longer expecting. On the contrary, England’s dead certain! The chaps in white are jolly well unbeatable. Planet Rugger is jolly well back to how it was originally designed.

Remember? The Big Kickoff?

“Toot!” when the Mighty Celestial Whistle.

“Lo!” saith the Lord. “Let there be Twickers!”

“Jolly good show!” the cherubims applauded.

“Super!” the seraphims cheered.”“England on top….. the other blighters firmly in their place.”

“Never mind that!” the angels interrupted. “It’s time for a jolly good launching!”

And this was staged last week at a well-known London Gentlemen’s Club, known as the the Cathedral of All Things English ….

THE EMPIRE

Where else, of course? What more appropriately English venue could you select?

Acres of huge great bunches of well brought-up bright red roses from the outlying well-mannered gardens, matching the immaculately raised green of the grass and the surrounding well-bred forestry.

The serenely imperial setting is tended by a respectful rabble of low-cost gardening cads with curious accents. There are also many lavish bedrooms for gentlemen, outstanding bathrooms for mistresses and damned fine dining areas to make members comfortable while they’re tucking into the jolly old pheasants, served by a rabble of suitably low-cost waitering cads with even more curious accents.

The whole place is fashioned in the image of England as it was meant to be. The most exclusive club in the cosmos.

Members are extremely well-to-do gentlemen, plus honorary ladies with impeccable manners and jolly tight corsets. As occupants of high society, they have a taste for the finer things in life, like lavish bedrooms, outstanding bathrooms and jolly tight corsets.

The well-to-do gentlemen traditionally shoot pigeons, unless they are committee members, in which case they shoot gardeners and waiters. The honorary ladies traditionally pop upstairs to change their corsets.

The membership waiting list is anything up to sixty five years…or half an hour if you have the right connections.

This was the scene last week when a representative rabble of cads from the northerly hemispherical rugby nations were allowed in to attend as dishonorary visitors.

By special concession from the committee, a number of French and Italian ones were also permitted in as temporarily

employed, off-duty gardeners and waiters, as long as they didn’t perspire too much or ogle the ladies’ corsets. Members were also strictly forbidden to shoot them, even if they behaved like pigeons..

Each was graciously allowed to touch his caddish forelock and offer his thoughts on his nation’s chances over the next couple of months.

FRANCE

Coach Philippe Saint-Andre expressed the need for his over-excitable oiks to show more consistency before their opening encounter with Italy.

This, the more informed of the members suggested, was a considerable challenge as it involved a total re-appraisal of the traditional French approach to rugby… and the traditional French approach to everything else.

IRELAND

Irish captain, Jamie Heaslip stated that his team was very comfortable being this year’s underdogs.

Members were very glad to hear this as no one could think of a more suitable place for an Irishman than under a dog.

ITALY

Italy captain, Sergio Parisse, apologised for being Italian and said it was high time his team started competing with the big boys and feared no one.

Older members expressed concern and advised honorary ladies to tighten their corsets as the last time they’d heard Italians talk like that, it led to jolly old World War II.

SCOTLAND

Scottish Chief Executive Mark Dobson passed on the good news that that they’d just got just got a whopping great sponsorship deal on a new Scottish uniform.

The Honorary Ladies advised them to make sure the corsets weren’t too tight.

WALES

Coach Ron Howley said he wasn’t too worried about losing their last seven games in a row and expressed his delight about having the Union decide that he could keep his job.

This aroused considerable sympathy among the rabble of low-cost gardeners and waiters who said they knew how he felt.

ENGLAND

English coach Stuart Lancaster rose to an extremely well-mannered round of “bravos” and declared that they had many decisions to make before lining up against Scotland in today’s opener at Twickers.

The members thoroughly agreed, especially about what on earth could be done with the curiously lower-class accents so many of the current squad insisted on using in interviews.

FORECAST

80, 000 Twickerers,. swinging low and sweetly charioteering. Cads rolled over like skittles. The rabble shot down like pigeons.

A drowning of the dragons.

A lashing of the leprechauns.

A splattering of the sporrans.

A crushing of the cockerels.

Bowls of fried spaghetti.

And a loosening of all corsets!