Grand Slam … Grand Sale

|     TAVITA     |

MONDAY’S the first of the New Year biggies. The Australian Tennis Open.

Remember last year’s final? Djorkovic versus Raffa Nadal? Utterly unbelievable. Maybe another repeat this year.

Forget it! This is 2013, mate….

The Year of the Racquet! The biggest racquet in sport, no less. A 50-odd Sponsor “Family” affair, with brotherly partners, sisterly associates and none-too-distant broadcasting, televising and networking cousins.

A Multi-Megabrand Maxi-Mart. Something on sale for everyone.

Knick-knacks. Knack-knicks. Goodies you never ever dreamed you’d need. Knicker-Knacker nothings for Knocker-noodle nights. Stuff you’d normally stuff in your stuffing but vital for watching the tennis these days!

So, off to the tournament website, mate….

EQUIPMENT

Need some balls? Take your pick!

Pink balls, yellow balls, blue balls, jumbo balls, balls with key rings attached, and grass court cans and hard court cans to pop your bobbling balls inside.

Fancy a racquet? No problem!

Racquets for adults, racquets for kids, racquets that open bottles, racquets that write like pens, a few that swing on a lanyard and, if they rattle around too much, some classy vibration dampeners.

Clothing? Make space in your upstairs wardrobe!

Bounce shirts, logo shirts, heart shirts, polo shirts, hoodies,  trilbies, bucket hats, peak caps, navy caps, ball caps, trophy caps, visors, men’s socks, women’s socks, lapel pins, cuff links, necklaces, bracelets, chains, sweatbands and sweatband markers, wristbands and wristband markers.

And for those who’ve run out of shorts or skirts, men’s towels, women’s towels, gym towels, performance towels and tea towels.

ACCESSORIES

Go to it, mates! Find some space on the sofa!

Sticker sheets, drink coasters, red mugs, blue mugs, white mugs, purple mugs, winners’ mugs, handbags, notebooks, bag tags, pocket umbrellas, drink bottles, door signs, yo-yos.

I-pad covers, mobile covers and I-phone covers, sunblock, can coolers, magnets, pencil cases, leather compendiums, stuffed kangaroos, cuddly koalas and a cute little woolly wombat.

Handbags, volleybags, foldable bags, lunch boxes and a monster triple racquet event bag to stuff them all in.

One click away from your front room cart!

SO…?

Empty the cart and clicketty-click!  A couple of nights and it’s tournament time.

Ready?

Open your monster triple racquet event bag. Take out your cans. Bounce your coloured balls around. Twiddle your key rings. Open a fizzy. Swing it around on your lanyard. Turn your vibration dampener on.

Put on your bucket hat. Don your bounce shirt and hoodie. Stick your lapel pin into your socks. Fix your headband marker. Adjust your wristband.

Insert your cuff links. Polish your bracelet and necklace. Stick on your sticker. Wrap on your performance towel and don’t mix it up with your tea towel.

Lay out your coasters. Fill up your purple mug. Get out your bag tag. Open your pocket umbrella. Check your door sign. Cover your I-pad and mobile. Plaster yourself with sunblock.

Stuff your kangaroo. Cuddle your koala. Yo-yo’s up and hold on tight to your wombat…

Prepare for the whacketty-whack to begin.

TIPS…

Don’t go expecting too much this year. The ATP is weary. The LTA’s worn out. The circuit goes round and round all year. The Tour goes on and on every night. The players have been on the market for yonks and they’re rapidly reaching their sell-by dates.

Just bless the discount you got on your wombat and watch for special moments.

According to the experts, there are five of these to wait up for: strength, weakness, opportunity, threat and intensity.

Roger’s Strength…

This is calculated in branded bags, enormous objects which he heaves on to the court at the start and lugs away at the end. They contain vast numbers of racquets, bananas, water bottles, spare towels, and everything else an aging back-packer might need for a three month summer holiday.

Maria’s Weakness…

Check the number of times she pulls out a banana. Watch the speed at which she peels it. Observe the urgency of her munching. You can guarantee it. She’ll soon be off for a bathroom break.

Djoko’s Opportunity…

Count the number of times he takes the opportunity to bounce the ball up and down twenty times before he decides to serve. Getting himself composed? Don’t you believe it. He’s getting his morning  twitter composed.

Andy’s Threat…

Calculate the force of the air punches. Measure the decibel level of the growls. Estimate the power of the snarls. Work out the velocity of the wrist band when it’s thrown to the crowd at the end of the game. Watch out for his mother.

Serena’s Intensity…

Keep an eye on her racquet head, especially when near the umpire’s head. Watch the glint in the eyeballs. Note the line judge running for cover.

Great stuff! Well worth stopping up nine long nights.

And best of all….

They’re on the house!