| Tavita |
SPORTS watchers are no different from anyone else.
We live in the Age of Acronyms. Literate, thoughtful statements are reduced to capital letters.
Like everyone else, there are some we don’t mind.
Take “MAN U” for example. It’s got lots more impact than the full version – “Mouldy And Normally Useless”.
Similarly, we prefer “MAN C” to the more wordy and less harmonious : “Mean and Nasty Chimpanzees”.
And we certainly find it much easier to chant “CHELSEA” than “Completely Hopeless Egotistic Losers, See!”.
But the one we aren’t prepared to put up with is the one that stands for the organisation founded in 1904 to oversee international football tournaments and promotions – FIFA.
I mention this since the main topic of discussion in the footy media these days is the upcoming May election to pick the next ruler of World Football.
Even the candidates appear to be basically acronyms.
A “Slippery, Egg-faced, Positively Pathetic” incumbent called “SEPP”.
An “Astoundingly Little-known Idealist” called “ALI”.
A “Pretty Rich Anonymous Amsterdam Guy” called “PRAAG”.
A “Famously Insatiable Getter Offside” called “FIGO”.
We also gather that the organisation basically stands for well over a billion and a half dollars of hard cash revenues; over US$1.3 billion; and an annual net profit of over US$70 million.
We’ve read many allegations, however, that it actually stands for bribery, corruption, vote-rigging and rapaciousness. In other words, it really ought to be called BCVRR.
Unfortunately, “buckervrerrrrr” doesn’t exactly slip easily off the tongue so we stick to FIFA.
We reserve the right to question it, though.
Fundamentally Incompetent Functionally Arthritic?
Arthritis always attacks the joints. All the joints that prop up FIFA and keep it standing appear to be operating independently. The muscles appear to be hamstrung.
The arteries appear to be blocked and the fingers appear to be poking at each other.
According to insiders whizzing up and down its ventricles, there seems to be “a torrent of dissent from within and beyond”.
The only thing that appears to be flowing well is blood. Gallons of it.
Foul Information Furious Allegations?
Certain football union leaders are alleged to have been offered US$40,000 to back a certain friendly bloke’s presidential bid.
The certain friendly bloke is alleged to have spent US$360,000 for travel and accommodation to certain friendly football union members.
A certain FIFA chappie is alleged to have given US$1 million in cash to certain football federation chaps “to spend as they saw fit”. It was certainly not spent on fitness courses.
About £2.5 million was allegedly demanded from a certain World Cup bidder for an educational project in a certain member nation and it was certainly not intended for teaching third form algebra.
About £29.6 million was allegedly spent by a certain country on its bid for a future World
Cup vote and the certain country has apparently asked for it back since they certainly didn’t get the vote.
As a result, FIFA’s reputation stands at a low ebb and certain officials have expressed great regret.
“It has damaged the image of FIFA and caused a lot of disappointment for football fans.”
“Not really,” most of the fans admit. “We’re getting pretty used to it.”
Fixing It For Always?
“I will get it fixed,” says SEPP.
“I will get it more fixed,” swears PRAAG.
“I will fix it even more fixed,” FIGO promises.
ALI goes into detail. He will put an end to the “culture of intimidation”.
This is allegedly in response to certain rumours that a certain member would pay another certain member heaps to drop a nuclear missile on his national stadium changing room if he didn’t buy him a one-way ticket to a certain well-known nature resort accompanied by several well-endowed certainties.
“In the past,” ALI is alleged to have alleged, “certain members have taken a principled stand but have ended up being punished for it.”
It is understood that he may have been allegedly referring to certain members who are rumoured to have turned down offers of ten million or more and had to settle for less than six. ALI concludes that all the BCVRR allegations have damaged FIFA’s standing.
“Buckervrerrrrr!” he goes in Jordanian. “We need to improve its standing. We need to work from the bottom up.”
“I agree,” SEPP is alleged to have agreed in Swiss. He is alleged to have further alleged that he’s the one to do it, since he knows the bottom better than anyone else.
“No Buckervrerrrrrrrr!” say PRAAG and FIGO in Dutch and Portuguese.
“For the Game. For the World,” they’ve all declared, quoting FIFA’s motto.
Football watchers are not so sure.
“FIFA?” we declare.“Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum!”