| Tavita |
AT LAST! The BPL is back.
It’s been a very difficult week for hard-core Sports Watchers. There we were clicking away, searching for a few hours of action-packed sofatime, but all we could do was browse the headlines.
And what did the media give us?
A descent into total daftitude…
Al Jazeera Sport set the ground rules with a pulsating piece of daftness on the World Cup.
Not the FIFA one in Brazil. Another one ….far, far dafter.
The report came all the way from Lappland. That’s why it took so long to arrive down our way. It must have come by reindeer cybersledge mail (RCB)
It appears that, not long before the Football World Cup started in Brazil, another one began in a place called Ostersund.
This is a town currently claimed by Sweden but is actually the ancient capital of Lappland, the original name for the chillier parts of Norway, Sweden, Finland and Russia.
The Cup was for non-members of FIFA coming from disputed territories and long-extinct nations whom no one’s ever heard of….like the disputedly Independent Federation of Upper Rimba, according to some of my mates.
The organisers go by the name of CONIFA, the Confederation of Independent Football Nations. The Cup was won by a team from Contea de Nissa, a place somewhere in Italy.
It is rumoured to have been settled by wandering refugee Upper Rimbans rather a long time ago.
“Don’t be daft!” a mate of mine commented.
Then he looked at the other top sports headlines this week.
The Al Jazeera headline ranked fairly low on the daftness list….
Ronaldhino apparently turned down a chance to sign on for Basingstoke Town in the mighty Conference South Division.
Instead, he apparently chose to go to some disputed territory in Mexico known as Queretaro, a place long considered long extinct.
Meanwhile, a record low crowd turned up at Wembley Stadium to support England. Most had apparently wandered off to watch Contea de Nissa.
Wayne Rooney called all his players together without the manager to help them stand up and gel. Most, it is rumoured sat down and demanded more gel.
England are rumoured to be applying for membership of CONIFA.
Then, Wales become the first team to let in a goal against Andorra for several centuries.
Gareth Bale blamed it on the pitch which had not been watered since Andorra was first discovered by a different wandering tribe of disgruntled Upper Rimbans led my neighbour Ali’s extremely disgruntled great great grandfather³.
A world’s best performance was recorded in Newcastle by Christine Ohuorugu in the 500m. It was the first 500m race to be run since Newcastle was settled by wandering Lower Geordies late in the 13th century.
Athletics fans up there are rumoured to be demanding that all Lower Geordie athletes join CONIRJASP, the Confederation of Independent Runners, Jumpers and Shot Putters.
They are encouraging flat out attempts on world records in the 723m. Hurdles and the Hop, Step and Javelin Throw.
Mercedes is discouraging opinion that motor car racing is all about cars and engines, and nothing to do with humans,
They have stated categorically that Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton will continue to enact their deadliest of enemies script next season.
They are also rumoured to be quitting Formula One and joining CONIRR, the Confederation of Independent Reindeer Races in time for the Lappland GP next year.
Carl Frampton apparently beat Kiko Martinez in Belfast’s Titanic Quarter to win the IBF world the super-bantamweight title.
Martinez is rumoured to be retaliating by taking on the current top Lappland challenger for the CONIBB, Confederation of Independent Boxing Blokes, galactic mid-light-super-cockerel title.
The contest is further rumoured to be taking place in the Contea de Nissa Quadrilateral Quarter.
Someone called Cilic beat someone else called Nishikori in the US Tennis Open.
Federer, Djokovic and Venus Williams are rumoured to be joining CONIATE, the Confederation of Independent Arctic Tennis Enthusiasts in time for the Lappland Open next year.
They will be competing against Nadal, Murray and Maria Sharapova in the wandering has-beens mixed triples.
Two-time Olympic cross-country skiing gold medallist Evi Sacherbacher-Stehle has been banned for two years after a failed drug test.
She is rumoured to be joining CONIIAPS, the Confederation of Independent Injectors and Pill Swallowers for the next two years and representing Lappland in the upcoming Reindeer Uphill Slalom champs.
Finally, the Slovenian Ski Association are investigating the qualification of Violinist Vanessa-Mae for the Sochi Winter Olympics.
“There is serious doubt about what happened in the race,” they say.
She was rumoured to have used an illegal cello.
Blessed be all reindeer….
Back to the BPL tonight!